consider it.

Some "events" that has happened since the last post made me think about the different point of views that might have to be considered in each "event". The events I'm talking about here is the AL and RG case. AL case has been going on for a few weeks now and RG is a recent one. Not actually the AL case, but A broke one of the R's camera.

These two cases are just examples of many situations which arouse different point of views from both the subject and the public despite that each side might have strong reasons to back him or herself up.

In the first case, neither sides are justified. If AL case didn't exist at the first place, R wouldn't be present at that moment and R's camera wouldn't be broken as well. R's was present because it was his/her job hence to earn money. And why AL case exist? Again, the "victim" has his or her own reason and he or she might not be guilty but not innocent. AL case wouldn't have existed if there were no contribution from "third party" because it wasn't their business, at all. I believe "it" was personal for AL and "it" wasn't expected to cause an issue and not attracting public's attention. But then, regarding AL's status, AL's action isn't justified as well.

In the second case, which happened recently (Saturday night), what AG did surely attract many pros and cons comments and critiques. You can say that the entire world knew what AG did. Many surely tried to think positively although the fact and effect is negative (causal effect). Millions surely talked about it, not to mention that half a page of about 40 pages of this morning's newspaper recalled what happened. If I were AG, I'd be very embarrassed of myself and how it happened will surely stick to me in my entire life. Some say AG's "suit" was probably the reason why it happened. It's simply a human error. Minors said that there isn't any explanation to what happened other than AG wasn't fully concentrated to what AG was doing and people shouldn't blame AG's "suit". Oh well, in every "case", pros and cons will arise from neither side.

These reminded me that in every case, we shouldn't blame one or the other side, but to put ourself in both shoes. What will you feel, do and act if you were A? What will you feel, do and act if you were B? We shouldn't judge just based on what we see (subjectively), but think about all the probabilities in every case. Yes, sometimes it's rather difficult for us to think that way because it is always easier for us to look at the negative side and to critique. It is always difficult to think positively and just to accept what happened.

People make mistakes.

I do, you do, we do and they do. If each and every person thinks negatively and acts based on it, there wouldn't be a year 2010. Okay, that's a little bit exaggerating, but the truth is, we would be living in chaos because none are tolerant, most or every one are selfish and mind others' business in a negative way. There would be no peace.

I want to share this picture:

"We all make mistakes"

Yes, we do. And we should always try to forgive whatever mistake the other side has made. In order to do that, we should try to position ourselves in their position. Did they intend to do it? How would you feel if you were them? Would you be able to easily "apologize" or would you feel this guilt that you're afraid he or she wouldn't forgive you?

Sometimes it just feel right that you (the correct side) make that first move to simply make "it" clear between you and the other side, to simply ask for their reasons to what they did. A simple and short talk with the "guilty" side may be quite hard for you, may be because you don't think it's necessary and when they're "sentenced" guilty, there is nothing they can say to make them become innocent. That, in fact, isn't what it's about. It's simply how you try to eliminate any hatred or "dislikes" in between the two sides. When things are clear and that you know their reasons, or pros and cons, you will be glad to be able just come up with a satisfying conclusion between the two sides.

But again, yes..

It's difficult, but not impossible.

life.karma.dream

Currently, several things are in my mind. Thus, I decided to write again although yesterday I just wrote one.

Life's been a roller coaster.

Specially for the last twelve months. I don't know if this is karma. Do you believe in karma?

Karma.

According to Princeton, Karma is "the effects of a person's actions that determine his destiny in his next incarnation".

Found this image on net:

Based on the above definition, you can say that karma is "an eye for an eye", which is that everyone else will treat you the way you treat others. Thus if you want people to treat you appropriately, then treat them appropriately first.

It's based on personal experience? Perhaps.

I've regretted several things that I've done in the past, really "the past". Not just the last 12 months, but for the last several years of my life.

Family issue? Maybe.

Academic issue? Maybe.

Love issue? Maybe.

Life issue? Maybe.

I've been trying my best to make things better -in a way-. But I guess it isn't as simple as I thought it'd be. I believe that Karma will stick to you for a life time.

In the past, I've made several "foolish" decisions and actions. I regret that I didn't thought about it over and over again before I took those steps. And yes, you can say that I am poor in experience, very poor. Then comes the "cause and effect" thing. I had to take steps that I didn't have to do if I wasn't that foolish. I'm not saying that I'm now mature and ALL my decisions are all correct and justified, but I think that I've thought about most of the steps that I took, and if I do regret, it will may be just a "slight" regret but I certainly hope I wouldn't.

I guess -probably- karma is into me now, due to one of my steps in the past. Some say (including me) I shouldn't regret about it because it was part of my journey of life, but some say, I should have think twice about it. But whatever, it has happened and now it's karma. I simply hope that it will end soon although I did say that karma is for a life time, but I really hope this karma will end soon, I mean I really want this to work. Don't know and don't really believe that it will end soon, but it's okay to hope, I suppose?

I really want this to work. Please. Pretty please.

Yet, it's again up to Him. If He wants it to happen, it will happen, some way and some day. Kept on thinking that He wants me to go through all this. Times when I was very happy and times when I am down, really down there, lost in my unconsciousness. As if all those was simply a beautiful dream that I can't get reach of.

I'd like to share this song, "Just A Dream" by Carrie Underwood, below is its lyrics so that you can sing along. Hope you enjoy ^^

It was two weeks after the day she turned 18
All dressed in white, goin' to the church that night
She had his box of letters in the passenger seat
Six pins in her shoe, somethin' borrowed, somethin' blue

And when the church doors opened up wide
She put her veil down, tryin' to hide the tears
Oh, she just couldn't believe it
She heard the trumpets from the military band
And the flowers fell out of her hands

Baby, why'd you leave me? Why'd you have to go?
I was countin' on forever, now I'll never know
I can't even breathe

It's like I'm lookin' from a distance, standin' in the background
Everybody's sayin', he's not comin' home now
This can't be happenin' to me, this is just a dream

The preacher man said, "Let's bow our heads and pray
Lord, please lift his soul and heal this hurt"
Then the congregation all stood up and sang
The saddest song that she ever heard

And then they handed her a folded up flag
And she held on to all she had left of him
Oh, well, what could've been?
And then the guns rang one last shot
And it felt like a bullet in her heart

Baby, why'd you leave me? Why'd you have to go?
I was countin' on forever, now I'll never know
I can't even breathe

It's like I'm lookin' from a distance, standin' in the background
Everybody's sayin', he's not comin' home now
This can't be happenin' to me, this is just a dream

Ooh, baby, why'd you leave me? Why'd you have to go?
I was countin' on forever, now I'll never know
Oh, I'll never know

It's like I'm lookin' from a distance, standin' in the background
Everybody's sayin', he's not comin' home now
This can't be happenin' to me, this is just a dream

Oh, this is just a dream
It's just a dream, yeah, yeah

another half

Okay, so my previous post was simply an update and I wasn't quite finished "telling my story". Anyways, about HMJK -first- meeting. Maybe I should introduce the HMJK 2010-2011 members.


1st row: Yonathan Djaja, Kristina Astuti Winarto, Pamella Djakaria, Elvira, Oki Yonathan Oetiono, Gregory Joey, Admiral Zega, Riki Saputra, Tommy Mandagi, Victor, Adrian Gunawan Ali
2nd row: Audrey Budiono, Anita Darmawijaya, Sheila Stephanie Chandra, Lydia Linggawaty, Oei Kristina Hariyani Wijaya Pratikno, Viona Tjin, Glory Takizawa, Fediah Iskandar, Jessica Wangsa, Patriscia Tanuwijaya, Clarissa Natashia Sadikin
3rd row: Cynthia Christine Jonachan, Aliyya Rifki, Nesa Kusuma, Dian Yosie Monica, Melissa Ayu, Aryani Sutarnio, Cindy Prayogo, Cynthia Sabrina, Lady Anjani
4th row: Yuricho Alexander Yogianto, Jonny Wijaya, Bobtriyan Tanamas, Dyka Wihardjo (ME!!)

I can say that I'm quite satisfied with this year's HMJK members, maybe more satisfied than last year's, but I think I can't say that yet coz we just had our first meeting and we haven't hosted any events yet. Maybe it's more appropriate to comment on it later.

So we've planned several events throughout this one year period, coming soon is Welcoming Party for class of 2010 and Outbound. Perhaps I'll talk more about this after the details of these two events have been published.

As some might know, I'm the Chief of Media & Communication Division, same position as in the previous senate. Speaking of "senate", we changed our organization from Senate to HMJK (Himpuanan Mahasiswa Jurusan Kedokteran, or Medical Students Association of UPH). It was basically due to "member recruitment issue". If we stayed wtih "Senate", then we should -have- recruited students from SON (School of Nursing). After we had quite a long discussion, we agreed upon changing our organization name from Senate to HMJK.

Okay, I've had three weeks of three-month holiday so far. I'm quite satisfied with how I spent my holiday, but I don't think I've been spending it effectively. I've continued what I've left when I entered MedSchool at UPH, I've helped my dad with several things and I've done several things in regards to HMJK.

During the first two weeks, I was basically trying to settle things up. Tidying HMJK room, tried to read a few pages about Neurology (next block's topic) and such (not ready to talk about it). This week I helped my dad with his business (marketing stuff) and learned a few things from it, and will continue it next week. Am really trying to read a few pages of Neuro each day, but it seems hard yet have to force myself!

Well ummm, I was quite happy this week. Some things have been going on and wasn't really expecting it to happen, but because it did, should be the best for me. By the way, I don't know am I supposed to be happy or should I regret that I didn't join my friends to Bali. I -really- wanted to go, but due to a reasons, I didn't. One of which is because my mom and my auntie (mami) didn't allow me and my sister's high school graduation was on the 27th (I knew that like on the 26th). Maybe I'm simply making excuses because one of my friend joined them for only a few days, then she headed back home. But well, maybe this is the best for me, I hope so.

I've made another important decision as well, that I'm resigning from Mentoring UPH 2010 due to a few reasons. I've thought about this over and over again, and I think this is probably the best, taking in mind what happened last year due to my participation in Mentoring UPH 2009. I really hope that I won't regret this because I think what I'm taking account of is probably more important than joining this year's mentoring. I've spoken to my mentor and she said that if I've thought about this and I'm sure of my decision, then I should go for it. One or two of my friends were quite surprised that I'm resigning from this year's mentoring, but then they said that if I think it's the best, then I should be confident in my decision.

Guess back to this three-month holiday. I have to cut one month off it because I have to study Clinical Skill again. I'm trying my best to think of it as my second chance to improve. Haven't talk to my parents about it yet coz I'm kind of scared with their response later on although my dad will probably understand more than my mom. I'm just waiting for the right time to talk about this with him coz he's been quite stressed out with work.

I guess this is it, I'll probably continue to the next post. Tadaaaa :)

still half

After a long -very long- break from writing, I'm finally able to find a free time to write. Yeyy! Several things happened in the last 1.5 month. Endocrine block, exams, first HMJK meeting and a week of holiday has given my life more ups and downs. Honestly, I don’t know where to start. Maybe I’ll just start with exam week coz that’s probably almost everyone’s highlight before the three-month holiday.

So, it was planned that class of 2008 will have 7 exams. Yup, you heard me. That includes Clinical Exposure and OSCE during the first week, and followed by Learning and Communication Skills (LCOM), MCQ Endocrine, DPES, OSPE and Comprehensive exam the week after. However, along the way, they cancelled DPES exam. My LCOM class have had exam before the exam week because ours was to make a presentation, it may be about whatever we studied during Pak Christian Siregar’s class, or we may come up with another topic relating to his class.

Clinical Exposure –essay– exam was hmm okay. Got the information that the questions are going to be about application problems, but turned out that it was mostly theory. Not quite sure about the result, though, because I wasn’t able to do the first 3 questions out of 10.

Yes, OSCE exam was the last exam of the week (on Friday). I was in the second out of five rounds. Turned out to be just okay because I wasn’t able to finish Physical Examination station. I don’t know whether the office boy wasn’t being consistent or I didn’t study well for PE part, but I ran though the special tests for appendicitis, which is medical term for inflammation of the appendix, and it was all negative. He only said “it hurts” when I was palpating on his epigastric, maybe early signs of appendicitis? From these 4 semesters, PE station cases were always different from one patient to the other. I mean, if they’re all different, the examiner should have different marking guide? But that’ll mean it wasn’t a “standard” for us, then? I think I should’ve asked the examiner post-exam, but never did, oh well.

MCQ Endocrine was okay although I studied diagnosis and treatment while the questions were mostly of pathophysiology. It simply means I have to study more and more, not only certain topics. Last two MCQ exams, which were Gastrointestinal and Genitourinary, the questions were mostly about diagnosis and treatment, so I assumed that Endocrine exams were mostly about both of them as well. Oh well, taking the positive side, He wants me to study more to become a better doctor.

DPES exam was cancelled and we got that information when we were sitting MCQ Endocrine. Right. Some were done and were sitting on the sofa outside the two exam rooms though. Anyways, heard that some had studied for DPES and they were both disappointed and happy at the same time. If I were them, of course I’d feel the same thing. I mean, I’ve allocated my time to study DPES, but hours –not days– before the exam it was cancelled. We were wondering, though, about the score because we only had one assignment which was making a script for role play and that’s it. I guess our score will be from that one assignment? Oh well, whatever it is.

OSPE and Comprehensive exam fell on the same day, the last day of the exam before holiday. I was in the last group of OSPE exam and it turned out to be better than other OSPE exam, I think, because I was able to answer more questions than previous OSPEs, but yet again, my weakness is in Anatomical Pathology (PA).

Okay, last exam was Comprehensive exam. Unlike last year’s, I was able to do more questions and I was more confident than last year’s although I know my score wouldn’t be very satisfying. If I had more time to study, maybe I’ll be way sure about it. But yet again, it was my fault that I didn’t study hard since third semester. I didn’t use my time wisely at home. I chose to sleep when I should’ve at least read something.

Yes, REGRETS COME AT THE END.

Right, just realized I didn’t mention about my grandparent’s 50^th  anniversary. 50 years! I sure hope that I’ll have one as well, the question is, who doesn’t? So yes, we had a private party. Only my big family, my granny’s cousins and granpa’s brother and sister, and two of my mom’s close friends. This is why we have parties like this, I met one of my mom’s distant cousin for the first time in my life -20 years-. My grandpa’s brother and sister were quite surprised to meet me because I changed quite a lot since they last saw me, which was maybe around 10 years ago.

A few of my granny’s cousins (ie po) were also quite surprised to see me and yes, most of them say “Wow, you sure look beautiful now. You look quite different compared to when you were small.” And yes, I know they meant to say “You were ugly when you were small”. Yes, yes, I get it, ie po, thank you for the compliment now :)

We had fun those two days, so does everyone especially my grandparents and mom’s oldest younger brother. Never seen him very happy that he clapped his hands and laughed while my mom and the other women danced because he’s quite awkward, you can say. He only smiles probably during photo session and as far as I know, that was the first time I saw him clap his hands.

A bit of flashback, my mom had the honor to lead us in prayer for lunch. Okay, I’m easily touched. So yes, my tears did flow a little bit while I listen to my mom’s prayer word by word. I wish we can all have more chances to gather together again and have fun. Heard from my mami that all ie po have gathered together in Trawas, maybe just to have fun because speaking of age, they’re now in their 70s and 80s, I think. By the way, my ie po’s are from Bandung, Malang, Hong Kong and Australia, if I’m not mistaken. So whenever they’re able to gather, it’s really a gift from Him.

 

Inez, Brenda, Ie Po Liem, Ngkim Maria, Mami Hermin, Kulik Harry, Mak, Me, Ci Felicia, Cely, Ie Po Lu, Ie Po Ting
--- January 2010

Okay, forward to the present time. We had first HMJK meeting, which mainly discusses all the events or programs planned by each division. Fairly packed two-day meeting, but we did have fun.

Think I'll talk more about this later on :) I have several other things to tell but think I'll spill it out in the next post.

the Only One

The most loyal friend,

Will always be there for you.

Perfect example of unconditional love,

Uncomparable love.

Think of this and reflect:

Who never fails you?

Who always listens to you?

Who never leave you in any circumstances?

Who loves you when no one cares for you?

Who always wait for you even when you turn away?

In this Good Friday, I become more deeply in love of Him, the One who I always turn to during stress and when I weep, the One who always try to reach out for me and who always comfort me and calms my mind, during challenges in academic, friendship and family.

Today was the first time, ever, that I let my tears flow from my eyes during a holy mass, although just a one or two drops. Never felt this way before. I just feel that for the last 365 days, He has helped me so much while He does not expect anything in return, except for me to turn to Him and to probably admit my mistakes, the mistakes that He has died for on the cross.

The only One who is willing to bear my cross, my mistakes. The only One who is willing to give his blood, to die for me. This was the song that touched my heart for the first time during a holy mass and I'm sure most people know this song, it's entitled "Seperti Yang Kau Ingini":

Bukan dengan barang fana
Kau membayar dosaku
Dengan darah yang maha
Tiada noda dan celah

Bukan dengan emas perak
Kau menebus diriku
Oleh segenap kasih
Dan pengorbananMu

Ku telah mati dan tinggalkan
Jalan hidupku yg lama
Semuanya sia-sisa
Dan tak berarti lagi

Hidup ini kuletakkan
Pada mesbahMu ya Tuhan
Jadilah padaku seperti
Yang kau ingini

Bukan dengan emas perak
Kau menebus diriku
Oleh segenap kasih
Dan pengorbananMu

Translated in English:

Not with mortal things

You paid my sin

With Your blood

Flawless and breachless

Not with gold silver

You redeem me

With all the love

And Your sacrifice

I've died and left

How I used to live

All those are useless

And meaningless

I place my life

On Your altar, oh Lord

Let me be

How You want me to be

I know I always turn to Him when I'm lost, but when I'm not, I often forget about how He accompanied me for uncountable times. Similar to other human being, I admit that I will only realize this for a moment and then the next thing I know, I've forgotten it.

For the last year, I admit I've gone through quite a challenge, but thanks to Him, He has helped me through my friends and my dearest Mami (auntie) to walk through all those challenges. I know that He won't let me face through challenges that I won't be able to face and I know that He made me face these challenges to grow in Him and so that I'm well-prepared for more small challenges later in life.

I begin to be able to know the true meaning of LOVE, LOYALTY and LIFE. Although I'm still learning of these three and although it's quite difficult to understand, I'm sure that each day He will help me see more of it.

These challenges also made me see who my real friends are, those who really care about me and those who has been willing to listen to me. A few years ago, I've been let down, but I'm grateful that He has lifted me up so that I'm able to continue His plan and to glorify Him. But each moment, I feel that the challenges is getting more and more difficult to face, and there are things which He wants me to understand more.

Just a bit of flashback to this morning, I was digging through one large drawer full of photos, photos of me and my family since I was still young, up until teen. As I was flipping through the photos, I realized how lucky I am to have such loving family, who lifted high the meaning of "love" and "family". I'm sure it's not just because I'm the first grandchildren, but also because He has gifted my parents and grandparents with His unconditional love, although not as perfect as His. Because of His love, my parents have taken care of me and both of my sisters until who we are now. Although both of my sisters often piss me, I'm sure that deep inside, they hide their true love and care for the family, they are probably just shy to express it.

I just hope that He listened to my prayer this afternoon during the holy mass and that I'll become who He wants me to be.

Thank you for everything, especially for the last year, my dear Lord. I always Love you.

pretty tough week

Right, so I have written quite a lot and it suddenly "disappeared" so I'm writing this all over again.

I want to thank my GIT and GUT tutor block, namely dr. Christa and dr. Darwin, for their guide throughout these two blocks.

dr Darwin's PBL Class

Personally, these two blocks were a challenge. My circadian rhythm was not normal, sometimes I was able to study until late, but sometimes I was too tired that I slept the whole night and woke up just in time to prepare myself for class. Sometimes I wasn't very prepared for PBL class, hence wasn't really able to speak very much.

I admit that I wasn't able to study enough for GUT MCQ. Three nights before the exam week, which was Friday night, I had some trouble with my intestines. I felt severe pain in the abdomen area (it was unspecific, pain were in different areas during these three nights) and always at around 9 or 10pm. It got worse on Sunday night. The pain came four times, which was at 9, 1030, 12 and 1 pm. Monday morning, I decided to call dr. Darwin for diagnosis and for some drugs. He said that bacteria were trying to penetrate my intestinal mucosa but it failed, therefore I felt pain several times in three days. I was told not to eat high-fibered food, such as veggies, and had to eat porridge and food of the same sort, until I didn't feel any pain. I did feel better and was able to study, but still felt mild pain in the suprapubic area until Thursday night. Last night, I was very sleepy at 8pm so I head to bed at 830, so I don't really know whether it is still painful or not.

So two weeks ago, which was the week before exam, I was trying to study, but I wasn't really in the mood yet. My friend, though, recommended me to just start compiling my notes so that it will be easier for me to study during the weekend. And thank you, it did helped me and it did make me more enthusiastic to study :)

During those several days when I was feeling unwell, I was too focused to study GIT MCQ exam and I lacked studying for GUT MCQ. So here is a rough schedule of the weekend before exam week:

Friday night: GIT MCQ
Saturday: GUT MCQ + OSPE
Sunday: GIT + GUT
Monday: GIT + a bit of OSPE

So basically, I am quite satisfied with my GIT exam, but I’m quite unsure of how I did and I’m honestly quite nervous to wait for the results to be published. Based on my experience with the last three exams last semester (Musculoskeletal, Cardiology and Respirology), thought I did quite well in musculoskeletal, but turned out that it was just so-so. As with GUT exam, I admit was a bit messed up because I was still on my 65th problem 15 minutes before the time limit of the exam. I rushed through the last 15 questions, I kind of schemed through the question without thinking very carefully of the answer. I simply messed up. I’m not quite sure which questions I spend most of my time with.

One thing that I regret the most, I underestimated OSPE. Thought I will do great in OSPE, but turned out that it was just okay. The night before OSPE, I wasn’t in the mood to study. Forced myself to read parasite guide book, but with no luck. Then I decided to watch American Idol on StarWorld. About 10 minutes of watching TV, my friend texted me, saying that Upin Ipin is on TV. So then I switched channel although my youngest sister complained because she rather watch American Idol than Upin Ipin which was very “geje”. Throughout the hour, I switched the TV between American Idol and Upin Ipin. I laughed so hard watching Upin Ipin and probably the hardest laugh that I had since a few days due to exam stress and all that. I think watching Upin Ipin was kind of necessary to release the stress and pressure that I felt because of exams. I don’t know whether I should regret watching TV or not because I’m supposed to do well in histology questions, but I think I lost one or two points there. And pathology questions, think I’m just okay with it although I think I lost a few points as well there. Maybe I could’ve done better if I study rather than watching TV? But I did try to study and it didn’t work. So maybe it was necessary to have some entertainment for one hour or so? Because a moment after I finished watching TV, I was very sleepy that I decided to sleep and had my cell alarm at 12. As usual, I slept throughout the entire night and woke up to find that it was already 4.50 in the morning. I panicked, studied for OSPE for about half an hour or so, then prepared to depart to FK campus.

I think it’s quite enough about exams?

During the exam week, I did manage to write a composition. It wasn’t purely my words, but a compilation of lyrics from three songs that I have been listening to over and over again. It’s entitled “Greatest of All”, so here it is:


It's not the flowers, it's not the ring
There's nothing in all the world I need
To a brighter day in the sun

I've been down, now I'm blessed
In your arms, I found a strength inside me
You saved my heart from being broken apart
And in your eyes, there's a light to guide me

You're the answer when i prayed
All my dreams are in your eyes

You could give me wings to fly
And catch me if I fall
You gave your love away
And nothing will keep me away

I won't give up on this feeling
I know what's real cannot be denied
All I want is to hold you forever
'Cause your love is the greatest gift of all


Complication of lyrics from:
The Greatest Gift of All (Jim Brickman & Michelle Wright)
Inside Your Heaven (Carrie Underwood)
The Gift (Jim Brickman & Martina McBride)
I Still Believe (Hayden Panettiere)


So another new block is coming up (Endocrinology), another five more exams are coming up as well plus my grandparents’ 50th anniversary and after all these, summer holiday is coming! ^^

from deep there, it says..

I admit I've been lazy these last few days. Haven't finish searching my LOs but I'm fiddling with my cell and just staring forward and then upwards and then forward again, nothing important or at least useful to do. Among the last 5 days of univ, I spent 3 afternoons and nights to sleep for more than 8-10 hours (that's every night I mean), rather than using those valuable 8-10 hours to study. On Tuesday, I was able to study for about 1 hour I think, but I was soon very sleepy and headed to bed.

Last night can be marked as the climax. I slept for about 2.5 hours then luckily the alarm did wake me up. During the last week, not a single alarm from my handphone successfully wakes me up, imagine it! Every time I set the alarm in my hand phone, I always set it for every 10 minutes for half an hour. So if I want it to ring at 11pm, then I would set it at 11.00, 11.10, 11.20, and 11.30. But none of those alarms wake me up.

Last night, my friend did help to wake me up by phone (calling me). Maybe it was my fate not being woken up as I wanted coz my handphone was out of battery so it turned off. But then my dream woke me up (what a funny way to be woken up). It turned out that my friend did manage to call me, but then the line was off. Probably due to the empty battery.

Okay, so I did wake up, had my dinner but then I planned to take a short nap. However, didn't wake up at 8 as I planned, but at around 10 or 11pm. Yup, a short nap turned out to be a long one haha. I read about anemia for a while then was sleepy, once again, and headed to sleep. When I woke up, which was at about 3.30am, my head was kind of dizzy so I took one tablet of Paracetamol, hoping that my head would feel better when I wake up again. Unfortunately, it didn't when I wake up at 6am. Tried to sleep again and wake up at 9 to go to the doctor both to treat my headache and to ask for so-called "doctor's letter".

Speaking of doctors, after I met a few doctors in Siloam and the doctor that I went to this morning, for some "reasons", I agree that we should have "Doctors, Professionalism, Ethics and Society" class. As far as I can see, wearing a white coat and not wearing one does make someone, especially a doctor, to treat you. So I went to see a few doctors in Siloam not to get checked up on. They did "welcome" me, but they just didn't give the attention or give the gesture that they are listening to me. One doctor didn't make an eye contact –not even one- and another was on the phone and kept on being on the phone while I was talking. He did hang up towards the end of so-called "meeting", but still, he kept on the phone at first. I thought body language, eye contact and attention is important, as we have learned during Learning and Communication Skills class. Another doctor also was as if busy tidying up his/her desk while I was talking to them. I mean, you can tidy up your desk some other time; it doesn't have to be when I am in front of you, trying to talk to you. Another doctor was also on the phone with his/her maid, I think. I was trying not to distract him/her while he/she was on the phone, but then I had to talk bit by bit when he/she was waiting for response from the other side. However, I still respect the last doctor because he/she apologize that he/she wasn't able to spend some time to talk because he/she is quite busy then.

From all those meetings (experiences you can say), I wish, I really wish from the bottom of my heart…

That some day, the new generations of doctors (like my friends and I), really become better, way better doctor than doctors now.

I'm not talking only about how to diagnose and treat patient or only being innovative, but also create a better image of a doctor.

Just by giving our full attention not only to patients but also others by maintaining eye contact with the person we are talking to, not being on the phone while patient or someone else (anyone) is in front of us in our practice room, use courteous words when talking with anyone and that sort of things.

Oh by the way, I'd like to share this link: http://www.klikdokter.com/article/detail/150123

That link did open my eyes a little more to the "real world of doctors". And I really wish the future new generations of doctors will make a change, I really wish from deep down my heart.

By the way, sometimes I did feel that I'm not in the place I should be. Sometimes I wish I was in X while in the meantime I was in Y. Sometimes it's hard to just let it out, to express how you feel and what you want because maybe you are simply scared or afraid that things might go wrong and won't go back as it's used to, where you used to feel safe and comfortable while deep inside you are not. It is very very hard, I know, and it does take time. It does depends on your personality and temperament as well. You might choose to be comfortable outside and uncomfortable inside rather than "taking a risk" of losing all of it in just a snap.

All I want to say is, try being out of the box although "your box" might be the safest place you will ever be. Sometimes you have to let it as it is for some time, try to adapt, and if you think it's really not working for you, then you might go back to "your box", although as I have said, it's a risk.

make a change :)

Up until now, I still haven't figure out how I'm going to surprise my grandpa besides of sending him a birthday cake. Maybe I'll just stick to that plan, but I still hope I'm able to come up with a better and more "surprising" plan.

Last night I went to GI to attend six of my friend's birthday and it was short notice. Got the sms from a friend at about 3.30 pm and the invitation was dinner at 7. However, I'm grateful that I'm able to go because transportation is often a problem when my friends ask me out. Last night my youngest sister also met her friend at GI so both of my parents decided to go both to drive us and to look around.

Okay, so yesterday my dad mentioned about "solidarity". According to the dictionary in my cell, it says that solidarity is the uniting of interests, feelings or actions (of a group). Since he brought up that word, I thought about it for quite some time. Through my eyes, solidarity sometimes isn't maintained nowadays. I'm not trying to point out certain people, but it is visible wherever you are and whenever it is. When you think you've got it, keep it and try very hard to maintain it because it is very hard to get but easy to let go. The principle is similar to friendship. Well solidarity is actually one of the factors contributing to friendship, the foundation to be exact.

Friendship without solidarity won't stay long (at least that's what I think). Friendship without trust and loyalty won't stay long as well. It's sometimes complicated and for most of the time, problems in friendship strengthen the bond in between one to another, but sometimes it separates. As one quote says "there is a thin line between love and hate". It's true. One who hates someone else might fall in love with each other sometime later. On the other hand, when you think you've got "the one" you've been looking for but then you're separated for one or other reasons, the love you once had might turn to hatred. It does happen.

Speaking of which, family is the best every now and then. Experiences have proven it's majorly what you need until the end of time.

Family will always be there for you

Family will always have your back

Family will always give you the best that you need

Family will always be the first in "SOS"

Why?

Because..

Who was the first to see you being brought to this hectic world?

Who witness you grow from a tiny human being into what you are now?

Who is your only witness (besides God) of all your failure and success since you were born?

Who directly and indirectly contributed and sacrificed to make you as you are now since you were born?

I'm sure and I believe that the answer to the entire above question is:

FAMILY, especially your parents.

When you look deeper to each individual in this world, I'm sure most of them will put friends on top of family in most cases. If you compare friends and family, I'm sure it would be a never ending list and I'm sure that almost all the comparison will "shift" to family, although a quote said that "friendship is the greatest of all blessings".

When we were still young, our parents are often upset because of our actions and would often punish us. We were too young to understand that behind all those, they love us and care about us. They want us to be a better person, they want us to put "good image" of ourselves in others' eyes and above all, they want us to succeed.

I know this statement has been heard many and many times, but I bet some might not have realize it because they would still blame (and sometimes shout to) their parents every time something goes wrong.

Do they know or remember how their parents struggle to raise them?

Do they even care how their parents feel when their being shouted by their own child?

Although I'm not yet a parent, I do feel hurt every time I see a son or daughter does that to their parents, no matter where it is. I just feel that every child should honor, or at least respect, their parents sometime in their life.

It doesn't have to be a huge party, a huge amount of money (in bank cheque or similar), or a huge banner or billboard saying "I love you, Mom & Dad" to express a child's gratefulness to their parents.

A simple surprise birthday cake, excelling in school, greeting them "good morning" and "good night", spending time with them to chat or walk around the mall, waiting for them from work while watching TV and greeting them "Hi, Mom" or "Hi, Dad" on their arrival from work are a few examples of the simplest way a child may do just to make their parents happy. Maybe it's a bit awkward, but giving a "good bye" and "see you later in the afternoon" kiss to your parents before you go off to school or class might do a little "magic" for them that day. They won't expect you to do that, do they? Or you can text them some time during your free time in school or university, asking how's their day so far, how things are going in the office, or how their lunch and that sort of questions. Be creative :)

I did surprise my parents a couple of times and although I failed a few times, they said "it's alright, no need to be sad. I'm already thankful for this. I didn't expect a surprise."

So you see, simple things can make people happy :) Why not think about it for a while and try to see what you can do to make your parents happy. It doesn't have to be huge, as I have said before.

Speaking of surprises, have you ever count how many times you make a birthday surprise your friends and count how many times you surprised or at least "did something" to your parents on their special day?

And how many times have you taken a walk with your friends and how many you did with your family (or at least your parents)?

Remember that time is ticking and will continue to tick, and the time for your chances to make your parents happy is not as plenty if you compare the time with your friends….

trying to spill it out

I think I have a few things in my mind to spill out here, hopefully. I want to spill everything, but it seems that a few things are indescribable and some just don't fit here, I think.

Again and again, as I've said in the previous ones, 'a few things has been going on'. One of which is me sleeping 'a little bit' too long last Tuesday, Wednesday and last night. Darn, I wish I can use those time spent on sleeping to study instead. Well not really study, but just to read through my lecture notes, some internet-browsing (facebook and stuff), some entertainment (can't think of examples though). I mean, I can really use those hours rather than just S.L.E.E.P. Okay, fine, sometimes it's good to sleep, but sleeping more than 8 hours..? That's more than enough. What's more is it wasn't for only once, but rather three consecutive night. Oh my, I hope I won't spend that much time again to sleep tonight, hopefully, because those hours are quite useful to do other -more important- things :)

Okay, I've been quite struggling with sleep, faculty of medicine and one -a bit confidential- other thing. It seems that I've studied enough, but yet there are just things that I'm unable to follow in certain discussions, whether in PBL class or casual discussions with friends. Sometimes I feel I don't deserve to be a semester 4 student. I mean, if someone asks 'which semester are you in now?' '4th semester' and when I answer '4th semester', they will assume that I have a good grasp of the 'basics'. Well yes, I do understand, but the thing is, if you ask me about one or two questions regarding last semester's topic (musculoskeletal, cardiology, respiratory), I don't think I'm able to answer it *oops*.

 

There's this one thing that keeps me going on and on. This one thing that made me sure that this is where I want to be, what I want and the reason why I try my hardest to thrive Faculty of Medicine. This one thing that kept me on this track and not the other. Maybe I seem to exaggerate, but that is real, that is one of the major reason why I persist until now. Only He knows what I wish the most up until now and what I have dreamed of until now. I really wish it will happen and I know it will. Don't know what I am able to give in return and how, but all I know that some day I am able to pay it off :) and I deeply and sincerely thank you for it.

 

Okay, so in about two weeks time, I'm going to celebrate my grandpa's birthday. Well not actually celebrating with a party and all, but simply greet him a happy birthday and I'll probably send him a surprise cake (never have done that before, so I'd bet it'd be a surprise for him). Can't wait for it :) A friend of mine thought the idea of me visiting my grandpa and giving him the cake instead of only "sending" him the cake itself. I'm still thinking whether it's possible or not because I have PBL class the next morning at 7. So it's kind of risky to do it, keeping in mind that I'd be very tired when I get home due to the 3 to 4 hour trip besides the fact that I might not have finished searching my LOs. Well, just a few things to consider.

 

Next up is my grandparent's 50th anniversary. Well, I think I'll write about it later on ^^

it's time, it's time, it's time!

It's time, it's time, it's time! What time is it??

It's 21.20 on a Saturday night, lonely at home, TV turned on. Not exactly alone, my parents are in their room, my sisters are doing their thing, whatever it is.

Well that's not exactly what I was talking about. Haha.

Time to get on going with assignments, of course, what else? I've got Learning & Communication Skills Mid-Term Exam, which is actually making a portfolio, quizzes to look up to every Friday and have this target to get a bit of head start of the week's topic every Sunday night. Up until now, I don't know where the problem is, but every time I read something Sunday night, it's not useful. I mean, it's just wasn't the "right one" to discuss during Monday's PBL as well as Wednesday's and Friday's. Like what I read wasn't that important. Sometimes I am almost a little desperate about what I've been studying because I do spend time to read articles from AccessMed and from ebooks as well, but it seems that what I read wasn't "needed". But a few of my friends say that "Nothing that you read is not useful, maybe it's just not the right time to be useful". I hope so >.< but the question is, when? Or is it that what I read is a bit too detailed and that it's unnecessary or required for us as general practitioner? Argghhh, just need a definite answer, maybe.

Besides assignments, qiuzzes and that sort of stuff, recently I am so so so into these three songs:

Inside Your Heaven - Carrie Underwood (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbBT8SNJYxw)

Angels Brought Me Here - Guy Sebastian (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2CekiNIMRyA)

On My Way Here - Clay Aiken (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Yr22hPdSeI)

And well.. Celine Dion's To Love You More (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3yJL4bbrnU) should be counted as well then.

Oh my my, I heart those 4 songs! I actually like Carrie's and Clay's like a few years ago when it was "hot", but then I didn't know the title and who sang the song. But about two days ago, I was playing all Carrie's songs in my laptop and then I heard this familiar melody and I used to like and it turned out to be "Inside Your Heaven". As with Clay Aiken's, I simply like the dramatic melody. The third song, Angels Brought Me Here, nice lyrics, that's all I'm able to say :)

Of all these four songs, I think I like them because of their dramatic melody because I used to like Kelly Clarkson's Anytime. Comparing these five songs, all of these have one in common in my opinion, dramatic melody. What I mean by "dramatic melody" is that these songs' melody has a clear climax (which is mostly the reff) and then the anticlimax, and the melody also goes up and then down and then sometimes up and down again.

During the last few days, I listen to these 3 songs maybe more than five times in one day that my youngest sister a while ago said "Cie, can you please play another song??". She even remembers some of the lyrics of "Inside Your Heaven" because I played it over and over again from my laptop.

Assignments still attentively await for me while I'm still fiddling with my laptop because I just need some time to relax and just to entertain myself with whatever it is (you can see that I'm just trying to make up reasons not to finish off my work haha).

Anyways, hopefully I will write again soon :)